Shawn Kemp’s autographed game-worn threads grace this edition of AGR Authentic Jersey of the Week(end). It’s only fitting (not the jersey, it fits me like an athletic wedding gown), because just as the Reign Man did to all his hapless victims, AGR is ready to posterize the world of basketball blogging and bad puns. Not that we ever quit, but we are hoping to come back from this summer’s lockout in better shape than Kemp did after the lockout in 1998.
But enough hatin’ and more lovin’. This is a new year with new resolutions about living virtuously and healthfully. Naturally, this means my #1 goal of 2012 is to aspire to be more like the Reign Man himself, Shawn Kemp.
I started by watching this video every day after waking up and before going to sleep:
Although such memories of Kemp are deeply ingrained into my psyche, this video serves as that extra dose of inspiration as I go about my mission, kind of like that extra cheeseburger or line of cocaine that Kemp always relied on.
With this habit established, I undertook a more “active” approach in my puruit of Kemp-ness. I now subscribe to the daily routine of wearing this jersey for at least two hours. The first hour is spent as pure hedonism–drinking, eating, sex, and drugs. The next hour is a glorious comeback to basketball dominance that would make Shawn proud. In his game-worn attire, I raid lower-school basketball courts and unleash a Kempful of bravado and braggadocio. The sole goal is to dunk everywhere and on everyone, indiscriminate of age and (dis)ability by design.
I know it sounds immature, but you can only improve your Kemphood by entering his mindset. With 8-foot rims and 5-foot kids, I no longer have to merely imagine that rush Kemp felt when jamming on ill-fated opponents–I now have legitimate experience as a posterizer and goading, gloating finger-pointer. When it’s time to get a new job, which I will inevitably need as this behavior is sure to get me fired from any occupation, I can even use this finger-pointing skill to giddily point out my experience on my Kemp-résumé, after, of course, I have successfully humiliated my potential boss with a bone crushing slamma-jamma.
Ten days into 2012, I am happy to report significant progress. After gaining ten pounds, developing two addictions, impregnating twelve groupies, dunking on countless children, and playing for five teams (all in prison, of course), I can now say that I have walked in the shoes (or at least worn the jersey of) the legend that is Shawn Kemp.
What’s your memory of Shawn Kemp? Fond, cruel, or plain insane? Comment on the article or e-mail us at AGRbasketball (at) gmail (dot) com. Don’t forget to follow @AGRbasketball on Twitter and to like us on Facebook.